I've never really thought it a good idea to blog (or do anything, really, that has to do
with feelings and the expression thereof) after 11 o'clock, but... here I am. Poised over my iPod's pseudo-keyboard prepared to bare my soul to cyberspace. Thankfully, there are few enough people that would read this that I'm not in the least bit worried.
I'm so much worse than people think I am. I know that's typical for most people, because we all see the part of ourselves that no one else knows. Even those who are closest to us (or think they are closest to us) can be fooled into thinking that this person in front of them is real, when in fact they are confronted by a papier-mâché parody of our true selves. We cower behind a facade that we engineer to appeal to others, whether out of fear, desire, or a misplaced sense of perception. That is typical of everyone to some degree or another. But this feels different.
Something was brought to my attention lately: false humility. True humility is, it would seem, very hard to come by. As far as I go, I don't believe I've ever been truly humble in my life. And if I have, those instances were rare, a flash of brilliant lightning in an otherwise dismal landscape. More often I craft a crude and false semblance of humility out of self-deprecation, and self-abuse. By diminishing myself, I mislead myself into thinking that I'm being humble. Delusion is a drug best administered firsthand, it would seem.
False humility. That's me. Whether it's because I feel self-conscious, or to feel more socially acceptable, or even just to get a laugh out of people at my own expense, I partake far too much of false humility. By so doing I diminish my true self. One of my goals this year is to learn more about true humility and how to have it.
Now I didn't jump on here just to rant and rave about false humility. There were a few other reasons. Here's the stereotypical list:
1. I went and saw Thor. It was really well done. Very entertaining. And though I doubt the writers, directors, and other creative minds realize it, there are actually quite a few gospel truths embedded in that movie. The biggest one I could see was Thor himself. He is exactly like mankind. He begins very arrogant, prideful, and impatient. Because of this, he makes a huge mistake, and is cast out of his father's presence. He's stripped of his powers and privileges, reduced to a mortal being. However, his hammer is placed nearby, with the possibility of him receiving his power back, but ONLY if he's worthy of it. Once he figures out who he must be, he is given his power back, and he returns to his Father's presence. Just like Thor, each and every one of us has the potential to become like our Eternal Father if we strive to become worthy of that. Powerful message.
2. I've been very anti-social lately. It feels like, no matter how many friends I'm surrounded with, I always have this sense of being completely alone. Like I don't quite fit in right now. I've described it as feeling like a leftover puzzle piece. There's just no place I fit right now. And that isn't anybody's fault, it's just a passing phase, I'm sure. And if it isn't, then oh well.
3. Along with this anti-social behavior is a bi-polar, see-saw effect on my views of the opposite gender. Some days, I'm girl-crazy and want to ask for numbers and dates left and right. However, most of my days are domineered by a brooding, slightly sexist view of women. Not at all a healthy behavior, but there's little else I can do at the moment. I feel like I'm going to remain stuck here for a very long time.
4. The Book of Mormon is amazing. I love reading from its pages. It is a true testament of the living Christ and His Atonement. It testifies of a living God. I know it's true.
And that's all I came to ramble and rant on.
The end.
